The Sacrifices Of Fandom

An Extreme Puppy Watcher wrote this letter on behalf of all puppy-watchers who may have neglected their families due to their preoccupation with Holly’s Half Dozen Puppy Cam. While we’re sorry to have contributed to the neglect of such families, and to have lowered productivity in homes around the world, we’re not sorry for bringing twenty-four hours of puppy love to those who needed it.

My Dearest Family,

While it is clear that I still deeply love you all, I must explain my recent behavior and possible lack of attention to all of you. You all remember Jane? Well, she sent me an address for some website about some dogs back on the East Coast. Ho-hum… more websites? Like all I have to do is visit websites all day.

So I went to investigate… there were these little dogs trying to eat some type of banner. They couldn’t even walk properly. Just slippy sliding puppies. Well, when I focused on that banner, I also noticed an Uncle Sam poster. That kinda had me interested to a point of delving a little deeper. Then I started reading about the site. I have now found out about this wonderful organization called Warrior Canine Connection. Sorry to say I have become completely HOOKED! Dogs bred, raised & trained for Wounded Warriors. As they prepare for their “forever families,” I must continue watching their progress. I must post to their comment board for cuteness, information, more cuteness, support and even more cuteness. Unfortunately, this means I must surrender all household tasks & duties to each of you. 

I know you’re hungry. The big cold box in the kitchen is a refrigerator. Inside this box is food! Next to the refrigerator is a small appliance called a microwave. Put food into that box & push the buttons to warm. Remove from warming box and feed your face. If you decide to leave the dishes in your room, you’ll get to have a science project at some point in your future. If we run out of food, please go online, on your own PC, and shop from our local grocery store. Decide what you want to eat. Preferably food to heat in the warming box. I am unable to travel due to possible loss of my wi-fi signal. My credit card is under the puppy magnet on the refrigerator. I can pay the monthly bill from my computer chair, it is current & my credit limit has been increased to accommodate any purchases needed to satisfy your immediate needs as well as my new shopping habits. If you choose not to perform these minor tasks, not my concern, you are grown. 

While I understand you need your laundry done, I am currently unavailable to do this. Look in the garage for the two big white machines. Detergent and fabric softener are on the shelf just above these machines. Please put dirty laundry in the machine marked “washer.” Turn it on! Add soap! When the machine goes off, remove your wet clothes and put them in the machine marked dryer. Turn that on! When this machine goes off, remove your dry clothes. Take those to your space and either fold or leave them to get wrinkled. You’re grown, not my concern.

Need a ride? I left some bus tokens on the entry hall table. A bus schedule is there also. I have no gas in my car. I have no time to go the gas station. And besides, I have donated my gas money to WCC. I prefer that you not hitchhike so if you decide to not take the bus, please arrange with a friend or neighbor to get a ride to wherever you need to go. Figure out which direction you want to go, possibly school? And let me know if there is a graduation day involved. I’ll try to be there. You are grown, somewhat my concern.

Please assist your younger siblings and know that your father/mother are both dieting and never changing their clothes again. I am grown and it’s not your concern. For housekeeping, please pitch in to avoid becoming stars of the ever popular show “Hoarding.” Cleaning supplies are in the hall closet. The hair on the perimeter of the living room & dining room now has a name. Please leave it where it is. I have become attached to it as an additional pet. 

For our pets, they are at my side and totally understand my current condition, known as EPW-itus! I have an ample supply of food for them, all within viewing range. They know how to use the doggie door. They are grown! The cat enjoys walking in front of my monitor, but has learned to clean her own litter box. Those kitties are grown and much more independent then any of you. 

For that birthday party on “Sitterday” – do the hosts have a computer? The football game on Sunday, here, have my tickets… As the holidays approach, know that you will all be recieving gifts from Zazzle. They also deliver. Consider the brown cartons wrapping paper. Each has an address label. Please sort through those, consider those “Kissmus” tags and determine which are your gifts. Wear these gifts proudly and represent WCC. If your friends ask, I can get them some of these marvelous presents too, all from my computer chair. 

With the anticipation of the arrival of a new litter just after Christmas, please occasionally come over to dust me off and show your identification so I can remember who you are.

Thank you for your patience & understanding.

With Love,
Insert your true name here if you can remember it. Your family may not know your AVATAR tag.